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I recently took the Enneagram test after much fan fare from my Aunt and Boss’ boss.

The results came back that I’m an Ennea 4 with an SO Instinct. What does that mean? Well a number 4 is an Intense Creative and an SO is a Social instinct.

My Enneagram facilitator who worked with me to understand the results said it like this: There are 3 types of people who go to a party. The first have the Preservation Instinct which means that they will leave first because they may have a big presentation the next day, need to get…

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I’ve been in a low-lit place. I wouldn’t say it was pitch black dark, but it was definitely on the very low side of low-lit. I could see enough to navigate myself, at a snail’s pace.

I suppose another tell-tale sign I am depressed is when my world becomes about me. I think of me, me, me all the fricken time. I’ll think:

  • What’s the problem with me?
  • What am I doing wrong?
  • I don’t like this
  • I don’t like that
  • I’ve got to figure out why this is happening to me
  • I don’t know what’s wrong with me
  • What’s…

I know inspiration as an inhale, an intake of life, of aliveness, of curiosity…

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I know inspiration as an inhale, an intake of life, of aliveness, of curiosity.

I tend to get inspired in the morning. I go for a walk before work, grab some coffee at a local shop, and walk through the neighborhood traversing hills. Typically the caffeine hits my system as I make my way up the first hill, and by the end of the walk, my mind is rolling with ideas.

There’s a sense of enjoyment, that leads me to crave my morning walks and caffeine hits.

Likely due to caffeine, this burst of inspiration is of the energetic variety…

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I’m sitting here, in my cozy chair watching the rain come down. It’s fall, the leaves are intense shades of yellow, orange, and red. I know that with this rain, many of those leaves will fall to the street, too heavily weighed upon by the rain.

Day light savings time has already occurred, pushing daylight into earlier hours.

The shift is upon us. Soon we’ll have a 50-day stretch of grey skies, cold weather, few hours of sunlight. Soon it will be bleak outside.

I’m not sure which analogy I can draw from that. There are too many to choose…

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Lately, my boyfriend has been asking for a commitment. Not marriage, not babies, just a commitment for the future. He playfully (and sometimes not so playfully) says “figure out your life!”

I then proceed to tell him all my learnings as I’ve contemplated what commitment means to me.

That doesn’t seem to satisfy him.

First off, I need to say for my own benefit, there is nothing wrong here! It is not a problem that I have not made a commitment and it’s not a problem that he is asking me for one.

I know I want children. I don’t…

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What if I can never get rid of the anxiety?

Not that it’s hopeless to rid myself of it, but like right now, this is how mind has anxiety.

This is what’s so.

Well, if that’s the case, I can stop trying so hard.

Stop trying to meditate more. Stop trying to go to yoga more. Stop being hard on myself to be more present in my day.

I can just stop and let myself be.

This morning on my walk, these were the things floating through my mind. And I was left with a nothingness. If I can stop…

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Today I sit contemplating work.

Work has been stressful. It seems that every issue that arises sets off my internal alarm system. Raising the flag that something is wrong, very wrong.

It’s like I want work to be, and think work should be, smooth sailing. Sure it would have issues, but only small ones that I can easily overcome.

I guess that’s not how it goes though.

So then, the real issue is my reaction to the issues that arise. This fires-a-blazing alarm flashing red lights that entirely over intensifies, over dramatizes issues.

I guess if I’m constantly working in…

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On my walk this morning, I stood staring at downtown through the trees. It was beautiful and also so distant. Not physically distant, but emotionally.

This city feels too big.

I turned a corner and saw two kids under the age of 7 playing on the sidewalk in their front yard. The houses are all so close together I thought.

I enjoyed hearing their chatter, the sounds of them playing with sticks and chasing each other. The little squeals of fun.

My heart did something.

I’m listening to Michelle Obama’s Becoming on audio book.

I tear up a lot…

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I tend to live my life like it’s a to do list. Check, check, check it off my list. One more thing done.

But life is too short for this. Life is too short to NOT be doing the things I want to be doing.

When I live my life like a giant to do list, I get really stressed out. I become anxious. What if I don’t get to my appointment on time? “I HAVE TO get there on time” — over and over and over that thoughts spins in my head. I have to get as much accomplished…

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She was upset with me.

We were standing in the parking lot outside of Baskin and Robbins. My sisters were there. I might have been 12. I had just said something — what I’m not so sure — but she didn’t like it.

I got the Boston harshness. She said I was being inconsiderate and insensitive. I may have been, but whatever I said didn’t justify how she was with me.

Maybe I was more sensitive than I should have been, but I really wanted her to like me. She was my new stopmom. She was cool. Everyone loved her…

Eilis Dunne

An anxious girl’s mindful way through love, sex, and life.

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