A case of the mondays
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What if I can never get rid of the anxiety?
Not that it’s hopeless to rid myself of it, but like right now, this is how mind has anxiety.
This is what’s so.
Well, if that’s the case, I can stop trying so hard.
Stop trying to meditate more. Stop trying to go to yoga more. Stop being hard on myself to be more present in my day.
I can just stop and let myself be.
This morning on my walk, these were the things floating through my mind. And I was left with a nothingness. If I can stop trying so hard to be a different way, if I can just be, what do I want to do? How do I want to spend my time?
I have been here before, but I had a much more positive outlook on things. I was given a formula that I practiced over and over again to fill my days with meaningful work.
But I actually think it’s good for me to be here on my own — to get the true vastness of where I am.
I have gotten myself a job that affords me more quiet in my life. I have my own apartment with mornings, evenings and weekends free. I do not have many obligations. I have no children. I am free to read, walk, contemplate, converse, question, reason, watch movies, write, workout, be moody, visit with my parents. Etc etc etc.
I have given myself space and time. The exact thing I’ve been yearning for.
And once I found myself here, I discovered a vast nothingness.
I am one of billions on this planet. If I were to die today, there would be people affected, but in all reality, my absence from this planet would not be of significance.
I always thought that I should make a difference in this world, my purpose here on earth was to make an impact.
But even if it was Barack Obama or the Pope who died, life would go on.
My day to day activities are meaningless. Does that thought give freedom or bleakness? Only the day will tell.
