Depression is sneaky and makes me very self-centered… not a good look

Eilis Dunne
2 min readNov 10, 2020


Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

I’ve been in a low-lit place. I wouldn’t say it was pitch black dark, but it was definitely on the very low side of low-lit. I could see enough to navigate myself, at a snail’s pace.

I suppose another tell-tale sign I am depressed is when my world becomes about me. I think of me, me, me all the fricken time. I’ll think:

  • What’s the problem with me?
  • What am I doing wrong?
  • I don’t like this
  • I don’t like that
  • I’ve got to figure out why this is happening to me
  • I don’t know what’s wrong with me
  • What’s my purpose in life?
  • Why don’t I have it all figured out?

Notice how those are all about me? It’s tiring. Thinking about myself all the time is not a good look for me. Also, it’s a little lonely and not very interesting. It makes what fills my mind incredibly repetitive, boring, and very annoying. I’d much rather focus on doing good for others and putting out positive vibes, life is much more interesting that way.

Last night during yoga, I came up for air.

I could see sunshine, I saw happiness, I focussed on other people. I felt normal.

About a week ago, I started a small does of bupropion, a depression medication. My experience last night makes me think I can see the first signs of the medication working. Thank goodness!

Depression for me is sneaky. Like a really good April Fool’s prank, I know depression comes in and out of my life just like I know I will likely be pranked on April 1st. Also like a well-executed Fool’s prank, depression comes on so slowly I can’t even tell it’s tendrils have caught hold inside of me. It such a gradual reduction in happiness, each week a little more, that everything seems fine and dandy until 8 months later, you compare how your are now to how you were. Then you realize the prankster called depression is at it again.

Luckily, every time you get a bit better at recognizing the signs.



Eilis Dunne

An anxious girl’s mindful way through love, sex, and life.