Letting go of love
I’m sitting here, in my cozy chair watching the rain come down. It’s fall, the leaves are intense shades of yellow, orange, and red. I know that with this rain, many of those leaves will fall to the street, too heavily weighed upon by the rain.
Day light savings time has already occurred, pushing daylight into earlier hours.
The shift is upon us. Soon we’ll have a 50-day stretch of grey skies, cold weather, few hours of sunlight. Soon it will be bleak outside.
I’m not sure which analogy I can draw from that. There are too many to choose from. But I suppose life moves on.
I have been holding out hope… no hope is not quite the right word… there’s a part of me that still clings to a woman in San Diego.
The woman from this piece “ To the Woman Who Never Was.”
In 10 days, it will have been 2 years since I last saw her.
Since then, I have carried not just a flame, but a full on torch for her. She has been in the back of my mind throughout every relationship I’ve been in. She is the person I can see myself leaving a future spouse for.
She is the person I feel drawn to even after she keeps letting me down.
We text maybe once a month. Typically it takes her a few weeks to get back to me. She’ll excitedly say we should FaceTime, but never get back to me on when. She sends me stories and current events from her life.
Whenever I fly down there I always try to meet up with her, but it’s never worked out. She’s typically on a work trip.
The thought in the back of my mind is ‘maybe you should try harder Sarah, you should tell her how you feel, ask to meet up and fly down solely to see her, be more forward etc…” but I know that trying harder is an unhealthy pattern I developed when I was young, trying harder is typically not the answer.
My boyfriend encourages me to love her only if she makes an effort. He doesn’t want to see me continue to hold a flame for someone who won’t be there for me.
Is it time to let her go?