Thursday
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Lately, my boyfriend has been asking for a commitment. Not marriage, not babies, just a commitment for the future. He playfully (and sometimes not so playfully) says “figure out your life!”
I then proceed to tell him all my learnings as I’ve contemplated what commitment means to me.
That doesn’t seem to satisfy him.
First off, I need to say for my own benefit, there is nothing wrong here! It is not a problem that I have not made a commitment and it’s not a problem that he is asking me for one.
I know I want children. I don’t know if I want marriage (parts of me do and parts don’t). I don’t know if I want to live in the same house with my partner. I don’t know if I want a partner for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I want to have children with a partner.
What my boyfriend is asking for is totally fair. Hell, I’d want someone to say “Yes, I choose you!”
Right now, he’s not even clear if I’m choosing him, he feels like he’s in limbo. He feels like I have one foot in and one foot out of the relationship.
I’ve chosen him as my boyfriend, for me that’s enough. But he wants to know if we can plan a future together or not. He’s great, he said, “whatever you choose is fine, I just want to know one way or the other.”
For some wild reason, commitment and marriage feel like threats to my independence.
I don’t want to have to make sacrifices because I’ve beholden myself to another person.
I could say so much more on the matter, but I think that sums it all up pretty well.
More to come later…
